Don't Let Them Eat Cake: Setting Food Boundaries with Family

Estimated time to read 5 minutes

As a sugar addict, I LOVED all the sweets during the holidays. Now, as a mama-bear determined to raise a healthy child, I am protective of what Della eats at this young, vulnerable age. My mom and Nana were usually the ones who gave me all those sweets, so how do I keep them from giving sweets to Della without straining the relationship?!

It’s special to see kids grow up to resemble the people we love. Parents want their kids to share a grandparent’s or sibling’s humor, kindness, or singing voice. But a love of sweets or overeating? We might prefer that family members keep those habits to themselves.

I have had many conversations with my mom to ensure that she respects my rules and expectations for Della. When I set boundaries, I try to focus on personal stories so I don’t come off as judgmental. Interestingly, it’s remarkably similar to how I set boundaries directly with Della, explaining why and giving specific examples of potential consequences.

For example, the other day when I was leaving Della with my mom, I told her the story of the last time Della ate only fruit for breakfast and how she hit a sugar crash and just cried and cried. No grandparent wants to encourage a toddler’s meltdown, so she agreed to avoid giving Della excess sugar.

Best Sellers

They're not just parent favorites—they're little ones favorites too.

Little World Traveler Pack
18 Ct.
$84.95

A long lecture likely isn’t the most convincing and can have your family feeling judged and defensive, so we can try sharing facts through personal stories. Think of a time that diet contributed to a negative reaction in your child. Just like sugar makes Della fussy, a child can have digestive issues from dairy or an allergy to gluten. Share this experience -- after all, grandparents might not be aware!

Pick Your Battles

Before having a conversation with family, define the boundaries that matter most. Are some rules more important than others? Can we let some things slide? For instance, I might not mind my sister sharing one of her freshly baked cookies with Della on Christmas Day, but I draw a hard line at high-sugar carbonated beverages.

Also, consider how frequently kids see their family members. A break from routine matters less if kids see their grandparents twice a year rather than daily. As parents, we use the context to decide which discussions we want to have.

Align with Your Partner

Melissa Urban, Certified Sports Nutritionist and co-founder of the Whole30 program, emphasizes the importance of ensuring that partners are “100% on the same page with respect to how you want your children fed when they are away from your house.”

Choose Strategies

After deciding which feeding boundaries matter most, parents can select the strategies they think will be the most effective. Every family has a unique dynamic, and not all strategies will work for everyone. However, the following ideas are great places to start.

Prepare the Environment

Because I have more control over my own home, this one works best when family members visit my house.
I stock the pantry and the fridge only with nutrient dense, low-sugar foods that I know Della likes and I want her to eat. This is standard practice at our house for my own sake, as well. If there is no junk food in the house, Grandma can’t share it with Della… and I don’t get tempted either!

Replace Food with Quality Time

Klare Heston, LCSW, has another great suggestion for grandparents who tend to show love by sharing baked goods or junk foods. Instead of centering their relationship around food, kids and their family members can share enjoyable activities.

Share What You’ve Learned

When I noticed Della getting red bumps on her mouth, my health practitioner helped me determine that this was likely caused by dairy. Showing my mom pictures of that breakout really helps keep her from feeding Della cheese.

Have a Loving Discussion

Nobody wants to fight with their family, so here’s what we find keeps the conversation civil.

Acknowledge and Appreciate

I have to remember that my parents just want to show love, and they might not be aware that their behaviors are problematic. Acknowledging good intentions helps me open the conversation and diffuse tension.

Here’s some language I’ve used with my family:

• “I appreciate how much you love Della. I have some ideas for loving her even better, and I wanted to get your opinions.”
• “Thank you for your ideas. I trust you want the best for my kids, and I’m asking you to trust me and my decisions as a parent.”

Ask Questions

Another approach is to be curious about family members’ experience with food. Often, getting to the emotional motivation for feeding kids unhealthy foods can help people understand why and how to modify the behavior.

Avoid Accusations

Frame the conversation as a partnership or collaboration. When we feel frustrated or disagree with our family members, it can be helpful to assume positive intent and stay away from criticism.

Stay Consistent

After setting boundaries, let family members know when they’ve crossed a boundary using loving communication strategies.

Does the need to set boundaries around food with family resonate with you? Which strategies work best for your family? Let us know!